All That Glitters
by keem
Summary: The boys of Final Fantasy decide to put their bodies on display and... well, sing. To Lady Marmalade, no less.


** Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII, VIII, IX, and X are all properly (c) Squaresoft. Lady Marmalade belongs to (c) whoever orginally wrote that nifty song. I don't own anything but this story - and it's a sorry thing to behold. Don't sue me because I have nothing to give/offer, and besides, this is FAN-FICTION. XD**  
_ A/N: _I have a feeling I'm going to get flamed for this one, but I just couldn't help it! My Kuja and Squall muses were bouncing around in my head and I found out that my Moulin Rouge CD is actually working now, despite the fact that my cat pissed on it. Yay! Just so you know, the two combined have disasterous results. But boy, are they kinky!  
Uhm. Yeah. I know in the beginning there are "Orginal Characters", but they're actually just fellows authors and what I thought their reaction would be to this whole concept. Heh, for those of you who don't, Max is like my roleplay partner - and frequently, when I'm feeling lonely or bored she roleplays as a bishie that I desire. So um, yeah. There's yer background info.   
But above all, REVIEW! tell me what you think! hell, flame me, I don't care. But you might wanna be reminded that I'm apart of the Two Hopeless Quall Fans and we have a policy on flaming; a very nasty policy indeed. *g*  
  
~Li  
**  
  
  
  
  
  
~ All That Glitters ~**  
- Li  
  
_[Scene: Inside of an older theatre, one that looked as though it were used in the early 1900's in France. Currently, however, there are several hundred people making their way through the welcoming double doors and into the heart of the theatre, pushing one another in order to get the best seats in the house. Making their way through the mob are four curiously dressed teenagers.]_  
  
**  
Max the Bishie Deliverer:** (Yelling over the dull roar of the audience) Well! You'd think I'd at LEAST get a good seat for all that work I did in order to make this possible!  
  
**Mistress of the Mist: **(sheepish) Sorry, Max. We'll get a good seat, I promise!  
  
**Max the Bishie Deliverer: **Yeah well, I hope yer right. (Looks down at her clipboard in her hand, checking off several little boxes.) I mean, this production should have MY name written all over it! Look it all this stuff I got. The props, the costumes-- even the bish!  
  
**Akari Valek:** (Under her breath) Well, duh.  
  
**Max the Bishie Deliverer:** (Still looking at her clipboard, aparently ignoring Akari) Look here! We've got Yaoi!Squall, all the way from Final Fantasy VIII, and Sing-Along!Cloud from the far off land of Final Fantasy VII, and Bishie!Tidus from the distant realm of Final Fantasy X, and last but not lea--  
**  
Mistress of the Mist: **(Clamping a hand down over Max's mouth) Shhhh! Keep it as a surprise!  
  
**The Sly Eagle:** (Shoving several people out of her way) Oh, so like a big grand finale, eh? I almost don't wanna know. Then again--  
  
**Mistress of the Mist: **Yeah well, whatever.  
_  
[The four continue to make their way through the swarming mass of people and amazingly find front-row seats. Pulling down the arm-rests and watching as the remaining seats of the theatre quickly fill up, they lean in to converse.]  
_**  
Max the Bishie Deliverer: **With all this money and hard work--  
  
**Akari Valek:** Blahblah..  
  
**Max the Bishie Deliverer: **(Casting an icy glare at Akari) --This _ better _be good, _director_. (Rounds on Mistress.)  
  
**Mistress of the Mist:** (Looking nervous) I-it'll be fantastic! Spectacular! I promise. (Under her breath) Oh god in heaven, please make this go well.... _please_...  
  
**Akari Valek:** What's all that mumbling about?  
**  
The Sly Eagle**: Yeah well, I think this'll be pretty neat. That is, as long as there aren't any, well, you know, crossdressing yaoi type things.   
  
**Mistress of the Mist:** (Starts sweating uncontrollably and laughs nervously)  
  
**The Sly Eagle:** (A mixture of dissapointment and disbelief) Li-Chan!!!!  
  
**Akari Valek:** (Hissing) Shhhh! It's starting!  
_  
[Indeed it is. The lights in the theatre begin to dim and the noise level drops to absolute silence as the doors swing shut to the theatre. A few crane their necks backwards at the action, but most are too transfixed on what they know it about to happen. The red velvet curtains swing back, revealing the freshly polished wooden stage-- and on top of it, is a simple platform, with a heart-shaped doorway. The doorway is covered with some sort of farbric and strewn over two pieces of screen on both sides of it. The audience finds four silloutes standing behind the screen, snapping them fingers in sync. It echoes through the stillness of the theatre, everyone holding their breath.]_  
  
_[A voice joins in with the finger-snapping from behind the screen, almost sickenly cheerful.]_  
  
**Tidus: **   
  
Where is all my soul sisters?  
Lemme hear ya'll flow, sisters!  
  
_[Two other voices come in Tidus' place, as his own voice fades, as though answering his call. The snapping fingers continue.]_  
  
**Squall and Cloud: **  
  
Hey sister, go sister,  
Soul sister, flow sister,  
Hey sister, go sister,  
Soul sister, flow sister.  
  
_[The snapping abruptly comes to a halt as the music starts up, the first of the singers to come through the flap in the farbric through the heart-shaped doorway. Squall emerges from it, looking dearly as though he'd rather be somewhere else.]  
  
[He seems to be wearing some sort of dark eyeshadow, little diamonds dotting around his eyebrows and lips painted. He's clad in tight leather black shorts, his usual belts criss-crossing in every directions across it. He's still clad in his usual boots, and his same shirt, only the sleeves had been torn for a much more... intoxicating look. The griever pendant shines in the dim light of the theatre.]  
_  
**Squall:** (With deliberate slowness)  
  
He met Marmalade down at old Moulin Rouge,  
Strutting her stuff on the street  
  
_[For empathisis, he shakes his hips a little, earning several hoots and hollers.]_  
  
She said, "Hello, hey Joe. You wanna give it a go?"  
**  
Squall (with Cloud offstage):**  
  
Gitchy gitchy ya, ya, da, da  
Gitchy gitchy ya, ya, da, da  
Mocha chocolata, ya, ya,  
Creole Lady Marmalade....  
  
_[A beat. Squall does a bends at the knees, shaking his rear. Applause and catcalls ensue.]  
_  
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi,  
Ce soir,  
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi!  
  
_ [Cloud comes through the flap and on-stage. Not really to anyone's surprise, really, he's wearing some sort of short purple skirt. His usually spikey hair is lacking gel, falling over his shoulders and pulled into braids. Ribbins are tied to them, much to his irritation. He, too, is wearing make-up, and looks positively mortified.]_  
  
**Cloud:** (looking incredibly self-consious)  
  
He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up,  
Boy drank all that magnolia wine,  
On her black satin sheets  
Is where he started to (falters a bit, but resumes his voice)  
--Freak, yeah  
  
_[An uproar of laughter/applause from the audience, and even Squall claps appreciately.]_  
**  
Squall and Cloud: (Together)**  
  
Gitchy gitchy ya, ya, da, da  
Gitchy gitchy ya, ya, da, da  
  
_[The two pause only momentairly to draw close, lips almosts brushing.]_  
  
Mocha chocolata, ya, ya,  
Creole Lady Marmalade....  
  
_ [Faces inches apart, Squall grabs ahold of Cloud's wrist. For a monent, the two are perfectly still before Squall pulls him into a dip and sends him dancing off to his right. Cloud stumbles but quickly regains his balance, as though apart of the act. He smiles.]  
_  
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi,  
Ce soir,  
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi!  
  
_[The two twirl in opposite directions as the flap flys open, a too-cheerful Tidus making his way down the steps.]  
  
[The blond could-be twin of Squall is clad some sort of form-fitting outfit. In his hair are several bows and barrets, and his legs are clad in fish-nets and wearing high-heeled shoes. He's also wearing make-up like the other two, only his is more overdone. However, much to everyone's surprise and delight, he bursts into-- what else?-- a rap of some kind.]  
_   
  
** Tidus: (unable to wipe the smile off of his face)  
**  
We come through with the  
Money and the garter belts  
  
_[He greets Squall by tugging at his belts, and Squall gives a suggestive grin in return.]_  
  
Let 'em know we  
'Bout that cake,  
Straight out the gate  
We independent (he stumbles a moment over his lines)  
--Err, women...  
_  
[He looks briefly to Cloud for assistance, who shrugs helplessly.]  
_  
Some mistake us for whores  
I'm saying, why spend mine  
When I can spend yours?  
  
_[He retrieves a twenty-dollar bill out of Cloud's skirt. Although expecting this, Cloud looks embarassed.]_  
  
Disagree, well that's you  
And I'm sorry  
I'ma keep playing  
These cats out like Atari  
Wear high heeled shoes,  
  
_[He throws up his foot and hits the side of the high-heeled shoe]_  
  
Getting love from the dudes  
  
_[He winks at Squall who blows a kiss in return]_  
  
Four bad ass-- ..chicks  
From the Moulin Rouge  
  
_[Seems slightly hesitant by the choice of words, but shrugs it off and continues it anyway]_  
  
Hey sisters, soul sisters  
Betta get that dough sisters  
We drink wine with  
Diamonds in the glass  
  
_[Cloud produces a wine-glass from out of nowhere and hands it delicately to Tidus who accepts it gratefully. Upon further insepction, however, he retrieves the diamond necklace from the glass and slips it down the front of his outfit. As the crowd goes up in screams, Tidus tosses the glass offstage.]  
_  
By the case, the  
Meaning of expensive taste  
We wanna gitchi gitchi ya ya  
Mocha chocolata  
Creole Lady Marmalade!  
  
_ [The crowd roars appreciately, and the final figure begins to make its way toward the flap to make its grand apperance/entrance. However, it stops, just as the three burst out more lyrics for a dramatic effect.]  
_  
**Squall:** (completely bored)  
  
Marmalade!  
**  
Cloud:** (simply horrified)  
  
Marmalade!  
  
**Tidus:** (positively gleeful)  
  
Marmalaaaaaade!!!!  
_  
[And Kuja makes his opening. The crowd goes in an uproar, absolute chaos at the new addition to the team. Girls and boys alike climb over one another to see the sight.]_  
  
_  
[The genome is dressed the most glamorously and magnificant of all. He's still wearing his usual thong, but has ditches the upper body armor for some haltered purple glittery top. His silvery tail snakes out between his fish-netted legs, lashing out near his high-heeled boots. He's wearing the most make-up of all, but not overly so - if anything, it only allows his beauty and raw sexuality radiate even more. Several gems dot his eyeshadow, causing his whole face to sparkle and shine. His hair casades over his shoulders in a waterfall as he gingerly makes his way down the steps, shaking his lips as he does. In the audience, The Sly Eagle is throwing a fit.]_  
  
**The Sly Eagle:** AUUUGH!!! Kuja is NOT gay! Why does everyone keep insisting he is?!  
**  
Akari Valek:** I dunno, but that whole get-up sure is convincing to me... (ducks flying fist)  
  
**Max the Bishie Deliverer: **(shellshocked) ... (twitchs violently)  
  
**Mistress of the Mist**: ^_^!!!!  
  
**Kuja:**  
  
Hey, hey, hey,  
Touch of her skin  
_  
[Squall strides over to him and Kuja runs a hand down his chest. Squall throws back his head.]  
_  
Colour of cafe au lait,  
All right (smile)  
Made the savage beast inside  
  
_[He grabs ahold of Squall's Griever pendant, making the burnette's head snap forward to attention.]  
_  
Roar until he cried. (sinister, provactive smile)  
  
_[He releases his grip on the pendant, causing Squall to stumble back. He looks completely infatuated by the genome and speechless, but somehow manages to find his voice. As Kuja walks across the stage, Squall opens his arms after him, eyes wide.]_  
**  
Squall: **(near pleading)  
  
More, more, more!!!!  
  
**Cloud: **(Glad that the attention isn't on him so much anymore)  
  
Now he's back home doin' nine to five,  
  
**Tidus: **(Looking _dissapointed_ that the attention isn't on him so much anymore)  
  
Sleeping the gray flannel life  
  
**Kuja:** (With a look of pure bliss)  
  
But when he turns off to sleep,  
(voice drops to a whisper)  
Memories keep...  
  
  
_[Squall jumps to the front.]_  
  
** Squall:** (uncharastically loud)  
  
More, more, more!!!!  
  
**  
All: **   
  
Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da  
Gitchi gitchi ya ya hee  
Mocca chocolata ya ya  
Creole Lady Marmalade  
  
_[All exchange glances and Kuja purrs]_  
  
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi,  
Ce soir   
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi  
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi,  
Ce soir   
  
**Kuja: **  
  
Ce soir  
  
**All:**  
  
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi  
  
_[The song comes to a close and they all do a bow before they dissapear behind the closing red curtain. The audience is a complete madhouse, everyone standing up and applauding. And along with that, screaming, whistling, cat-calling, and any other form of showing appreciation imaginable. The noise is almost unbearable.]  
_  
**Mistress of the Mist: **(Scratching her head nervously) So.... didja like it?  
  
**Max the Bishie Deliverer:** (Obviously still in shock) Humina, humina...  
  
**Akari Valek:** I did! ^_^ (ducks flying tomatoes)  
  
**The Sly Eagle:** (Arms folded over her chest) Kuja's not gay.  
  
**Mistress of the Mist:** (sigh)  
  
~~~~  
  
_[Behind stage, in the dressing room, we find our form of entertainment...]  
  
[Squall is sitting before a mirror, face wet as he dabs away the remainder of the make-up on his face.]_  
**  
Squall:** ... Hyne, remind me never to do THAT again.  
  
_[Kuja politely makes his way past, brushing up against Squall. He smiles and apologizes before dissapearing around the next bend.]_  
**  
Squall:** (Still watching where Kuja had stood only moments before) Then again...  
_  
[Cloud and Tidus enter the scene, the latter looking considerably more cheerful then the former. Cloud still can't seem to stop blushing.]_  
  
**Tidus:** That was fun! ^-^!  
  
**Cloud and Squall: **(stare at Tidus)  
**  
Tidus:** ... What? ;.;  
**  
Cloud:** Tidus?  
  
**Tidus:** (happy again) yeah? n_n  
  
**Cloud:** You're a moron.  
  
**Tidus:** ...  
  
**Squall:** Whose idea was this, anyway?  
  
_[Everyone points at someone else.]_  
  
**Squall:** (Sigh) Nevermind...  
**  
Tidus:** Don't you mean 'whatever'?  
**  
Squall: **Shut up.  
**  
Tidus:** ;.;!!!  
  
**Squall:** Oi. I'm just glad its over...  
**  
Cloud:** Amen to that, brother.  
  
**Tidus:** Well, think of it this way. It was either this or Backstreet boys.  
  
_[Squall and Cloud become blanched white with terror.]_  
  
**Squall:** W-well! When you put it that way---  
  
  
And the world rejoiced and was glad.  
  
  
**THE END**  
  
  
___________________  
  
Review, damn you!  
  
  



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